PiXXiE

I've just been really depressed lately.
I use my live journal as a vent so I don't explode. It's the only outlet that I feel I have sometimes to get everything out. I hope that things will start getting better any day now....Lets hope so

I have to dispel this these thoughts from my mind,
I know that every time I cut,
I destroy part of my soul.

I'm breaking down
I can't handle much more.
WHy can't anything work out for me
why can't things go the way I want them to?

AM I do awful that I don't deserve it?

Because everytime I think there could be, I turn out to be wrong!


No wonder I don't like many people.

I just want to give up today.



I need some serious chemical intervention.

I see you
my eyes don't want to move from your being.
I watch your every move...
I wonder if you see.
I wonder if you can feel the longing of my heart

SOmetimes I thing it may be worth it,
worth it to feel you run your hands over my body.
It would be worth it,
to give up everything I have.
It would be worth it,
to live in that one day forever.

Desire is enough to drive a person insame,
trust me i'm almost there
I can destroy you,'
to want something so bad.
to want someone so wrong,
so toxic

I am a house of cards,
fragile,
the slightest movement of air,
can break me.


I am a broken girl,
for thinging with my heart,
instead of my head.


But heart can live with out the brain....

whoch one is right?

This who thing stems form logging on to myspace yesterday, and reading an antiabortion bulletun.

Let me start by saying 1) I hate it when people post shit like that in the first place don't fucking shoove your bullshit down my throat.2)Your a fucking guy.....you have no buisness having a say over matters of my vagina.

I'm pretty much livid right now. I understand that everyone is entitled to and opinion.....but don't force it one me! so don't send me comments on this blog about prolife shit....

that's why I'm so fucked in the head

nothing seems to feel right right now....things haven't been the same for a while now. Up seems like down, left seems like right.....my head is all fucked up....I find myself laughing for no reason out of the blue. I feel like I'm losing it.

sometimes I wish I had been smart enough

sometimes I wish I wouldn't lie.

Never good enough.

I hate myself.

stay away from me

you'll only get hurt.

I feel sad

I was looking at a playboy today (I have a vast collection of vintage playboys), it kind of made me sick for the first time. I thought back to the first time I had seen a dirty publication. It was one of my dads playboys I found under my parents bed. I remember thinking I want to look like that one day, and also getting a bit turned on.

I also played with barbies...never baby dolls always barbies. My barbies always had to be white....I was never allowed to have hispanic or african barbies...this put the thought into my head that blond and blue eyes are better than other variations of features.

As I developed my breasts never got very large...I gained a lot of weight. I longed to bleach my hair to barbie blond....and even get contacts to cover my brown eyes. I remember having people in jr high tell me "you'd be really pretty if you just...." It was always something...something needed to change. SOmething about me wasn't right.

This continues into adulthood...I would spend days crying if someone made a joke about my appearance. I always wanted to look perfect. My self esteem got lower...and lower....and I did not see anything beautiful in the mirror.

Over the last year I have mad peace with my "imperfections." I still am hard on myself. I looked in the mirror, stark naked at myself....then at the centerfold, then me, it went on like that for an hour. I finally laughed....I'm comparing myself to something fake and plastic... I'm comparing myself to barbie. I finally found true beauty in my body....evey imperfection....right down to my breast...they may not sit like 2 perfect cantaloupes sewn securely under the skin....but what real boobs larger than an AAA do?

As far as I'm concerned...the most beautiful women are women who resemble greek models. Not huge, but filled out enough.


Ok I'm done rambling now

I have nice boobs :)

NO more clubbing for a while.....
I think I might die if I keep up at this pace.
seriously

People are going to be miserable,
Just ignore them.


lol It seemed to be the perfect quote for saturday night! which was hella fun, Despite the appearence of the drama queens.

Nothing but clear liquids.

till sunday.

I gotta lose this little bit, so I can look awsome my outfit for saturday night.

I ran for a half an hour today, I came back bright red from over heating. I think I kind of got a runners high a little....I'm excited to go again tomorrow. I can't wait till I can handle 5miles, but it's going to take time to get up to that. I'll be back to a good weight again in no time!

off to got to my job interview.

I really hope I get it

wish me luck!

lol

Sugar gliders love soy milk!

it's was so cute feeding my gliders with a straw

I don't think they get the fact that you not suspose to chew the straw.

Tripod(he is missing a foot) got it all over himself....babs had to clean him up.

so I got the taquila today for mels birthday!!!

I think were going to get into alot of trouble.

taquila makes us awful lol

but fun!

I think I had the best summer I could have had, despite the hurt that occured. I learned alot of lessons, I learned alot about myself. I partied hard and did crazy shit!


It all started with a kiss.....


and if I could go back and do it all again I would keep everthing the same.

mel....you ready for next summer????